Noah Today...

And it came to pass, in the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK, and said:

"ONCE AGAIN, THE EARTH HAS BECOME WICKED AND OVER-POPULATED, AND I SEE THE END OF ALL FLESH BEFORE ME. "NOAH, BUILD ANOTHER ARK AND SAVE TWO OF EVERY LIVING THING ~ ALONG WITH A FEW GOOD HUMANS." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "YOU HAVE 6 MONTHS IN WHICH TO BUILD THE ARK BEFORE I START THE RAINS FOR 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS."[/font] Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his back garden - but no Ark. "NOAH!," He roared, "I'M ABOUT TO START THE RAINS! WHERE IS THE ARK?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed Planning Permission and Building Control approvals which were refused. The Health and Safety Commission say that my garden doesn’t comply as an erection site. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. And the Disability Access Groups are saying I need to install wheelchair access and reserved parking outside to allow disabled workers access" "My NIMBY neighbours have complained to the Planning Authority that I've gone against Permitted Development rules by building the Ark in my back garden too close to the boundary and exceeding the 2.5 metre height limitations. I’ve had to appeal to the Environment Secretary for a decision." "Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond and insurance for the future costs and liabilities of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they refused to listen." "Getting the wood was another problem. I can’t import foreign hardwoods – most of the World’s cedar has been cut down and there's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save endangered species. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to help save them - but no go!" "When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I wasn't a licensed animal handler and that I was intending to confine wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Environmental Impact Study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission and the European Union in Brussels on how many minorities and foreign nationals I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." "Immigration and Border Control are checking the work-permit status of most of the people who want to work." "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union-enrolled workers with previous Ark-building experience." "To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue have seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, Lord, you're not going to destroy the world?" "NO," said the Lord, sadly. "THE GOVERNMENT BEAT ME TO IT."