how do you tell your partner about your P

[ABADU]

I have been dating a friend of mine now for about 3 weeks and I know him for about 3 years, we have gotten very close together but he can't seem to understand why I can't be intimate with him, and I can't seem to have the balls to tell him about my skin problem, because I am afraid of his reaction.... what advice can people give me that have been in similar situations...

[Wooley]

Hi Anita

All I am going to say is, it is perfectly normal to be afraid of his reaction.  The fact is, he will like you for being you and not because of your skin.  Realistically, if he reacts negatively about your skin then he obviously doesn't care enough about you as a person in my opinion.

Perhaps you should go somewhere neutral, have a walk or a drink somewhere... and just slip into the conversation the fact that you were looking at SkinCell and comparing notes with other people... he will then ask what you were talking about and you can tell him about your P...

Good luck and I hope he reacts well when you tell him. Try not to be too nervous, if he is worth it, he will react well.

 

Wooley

[leemax]

Poor ou! Luckily (er wrong choice of word there) I got my P shortly after I met my husband - so now I can justifiably hint at him having caused it 24 at the time.
Anyway it's a hard one and, no, he won't care if he cares about you but that's psychologically a big ask for you...
Possible scenario's -
You could scream loudly whilst looking down on yourself and say "What THE?!' and demand to be taken to the hospital
Never be intimate and don't ever give him a reason (you'll never get rid of him then
Wear a wetsuit and tell him you have a particular 'liking' for them
OR the best thing I feel in this situation is to sit down with him somewhere quiet/peaceful and tell him the reason.
If he's nice chap he'll be very compassionate and will understand. And isn't that the type of man you want in your life?
Hope it's OK anyway - an awkward situation but be brave - after all its a health problem you have, just like any other.

[Gobe]

Welcome to Skincell, Anita!

Hmm... yes, tricky.  Here is an idea then....how about you wear something that reveals a bit of your skin and wait for him to notice?  Then you have a natural way of starting a conversation about your skin.  I have had eczema for most of my life and it affects most of my skin including my hands and face so in many ways it has been easier for me to deal with since I can't hide all my eczema from view!

Good luck!

 

[Wolfspirit]

Anita welcolme, Have long have you been with your partner, He has probably noticed it himself,honesty is best.You can always just say, The area has flared up and is sore or something to bring it into conversation.Good luck.

[Alohamora]

So, you think your friend has noticed a bit of reserve on your part? 

If so, it is possible that he will actually be relieved to find out that it is "only" a non-contagious skin problem. It's possible he's imagining all sorts of more dire possibilities.

[ABADU]

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you posted on how it went....

[leemax]

Good luck -incidentally I meant to add that most men won't be looking at your skin 
They seem to have some sort of filter in that department, but I know that doesn't count for much when it's your own skin!

[MarieC]

It is only natural to be afraid of rejection, no matter what it is, skin problem, or something else.
Like everyone else said, he isn't worth it if he rejects you because of it, but I'm sure you know that. It can be very damaging to our self-esteem..
I hope that everything turns out, ok

[Celery Peach]

Welcome to the forum Anita ! 

I hope it all goes well when you tell him, I'm sure it will be fine  not that I am making light of it at all, I understand where you are coming from 

[itchychick]

Hi Anita, welcome to skincell.  Good luck in telling your partner, but I will reiterate what the others have said... if he is worth being with, he won't even "notice" it once he gets used to the idea.  Be honest with him.  Tell him that the reason you have been reluctant to become more intimate is that you are afraid of how he will react to the condition of your skin - and I think explaining to him how uncomfortable you are (psychologically and physically) as well as telling him it is not contagious will help him understand.   

[electric_ian]

I would say you will find your skin is more a problem for yourself and will not be a problem for your partner...
That is my own personal experience
Ian

[Vikki]

Welcome to skincell!

I can only repeat what the others have said. Good luck with discussing it with him.

My partner knew I had P as I have it on my elbows and I've never really tried to hide it. When he saw the extent of my p on my torso I think he was a little shocked but only in concern for the pain it causes me.
I don't know how bad your P is but what I'm trying to say is, that if he cares about you then he may be a little shocked but don't mis-read any reaction he may show when he sees it.

Vikki

[leemax]

Hi again,
Same for me (above) My partner is incredibly suppportive (hate that PC word but you know what I mean) - just feels for me and tries to support me in every attempt I make to clear it, has even gone to the extent of bringing back bottles of sea water from the beach and keeping them cold in fridge, maintaining I should splash it on my legs at home (which I've done - feels great)
Once you're over the hurdle of telling them/showing them (and I REALLY feel for you with a new partner - I would be in the same dilemma - freaking out) it'll be better. What have you done in the past if you don't mind me asking?

[ABADU]

I've never had to explain it before, I've never felt like this and so I didn't bother, but he is wondering why I can't be intimate with him and I can't seem to be able to tell him...

[leemax]

Poor you! He must know something's up, and he is going to be SO relieved it's not something else...
What would you do if you were in the same situation? ie if someone told you that they couldn't be intimate because...they have a skin problem.
I think a lightbulb would go off in your head and you'd be relieved it wasn't something more life threatening, or something that couldn't be handled.
That aside, the difficult bit is telling him - the actual doing of it - because you're going to be embarrassed and it will awkward and he'll want to see it and you'll have to show him etc.
How bad is your psoriasis?
My psoriasis for example is on my legs (quite bad but not flaky), elbows, a bit on my scalp.
I think you really have to take the bull by the horns now and just tell him. He won't appreciate being 'strung along' forever because when or if he does find out he'll think the problem, whilst embarrassing for you, is not something that can't be handled if your relationship is strong enough, or his feelings for you are strong enough. This is something you have to weigh up for yourself - how much do you want the guy in your life? If telling him scares him off then it's unfortunate - but I can't see much compassion there or understanding or even love to be honest.
But the telling of it is something horrid (for you) I agree - especially if you're shy, and/or insecure - and who of us isn't with psoriasis? (Because of psoriasis!)
If it's really becoming a major issue and I sense that it is (and I can understand completely) how about someone who does know about your skin tells him? Then you don't have to do it yourself. A bit of a cop out but it might be easier for you? Your Mum, or good friend, or someone who knows what's going on?
Just a thought?

[Ryan]

WELCOME TO SKINCELL

[Val]

Anita,

Firstly welcome to our SC cyber family.

I can't really add much more to what the others have advised, but do agree with them wholeheartedly. Most people that care for us won't and don't mind about our skin problems, most are reassured to know it's not contagious, catching and then want to know how it/they (skin probs) affect us.

You could of course write it down and hand him the note/letter explaining it if you really can't bring yourself to tell him face to face.

Val

[Jenny77]

Anita,

I may be a little late in chiming in here, but I love Val's idea. I write letters to my boyfriend all the time - in fact, I wrote him one yesterday about something that we couldn't seem to talk about face to face. It went over terrifically, he sees my point now and agrees with me, I think. So I'm all for letter-writing!

Please let us know how it goes.

Jenny

[ABADU]

so I told him on the internet.... and he was very curious about it... he told me it couldn't be that bad and that he needed to see it.... and that he never noticed anyting....  so I'm hopeful....